I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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