Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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