I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
