bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
