new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We don't watch enough power rangers
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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