I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
