ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
