I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
