So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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