new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
