I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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