I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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