I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
