I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
