I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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