Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
