I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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