All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You are the jesus of drinking
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
