So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
