yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
