Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
