eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
