sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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