i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
