Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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