dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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