Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
only if we run a train.
done.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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