DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
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She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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