I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need a beard to bite.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
