I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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