Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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