There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
