he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
