Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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