Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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