If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
