.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
