it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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