just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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