question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
