If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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