Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize