Umm I'm too high to move.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
