first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
