Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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