didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
God, I missed his penis.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize