Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
