Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it's like iHOP with fire
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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