i think my mom watched the whole time
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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