i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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