When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
