I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
