I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
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We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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