God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
